You are not alone

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In recent months I've blogged about my depression and anxiety, my diagnosis as being on the Asperger's spectrum, and beginning new journeys.  And as I began packing and the sorting of my physical life, I've done the same with my mental life.  And I realized that I keep giving...this demon, this darkness, this despair, whatever you want to call it more power than it deserves because I haven't talked about it.  Not as much as I could have and not as much as I should have.  So I'm going to change that now.

I don't want to tell the whole story here, in part because some of it is still being written, and in part because this just isn't the right forum for all of it.  One day perhaps...I've lived with depression and anxiety all of my life.  I didn't know that's what it was called nor was I ever formally diagnosed with it until two years ago this August.  While it bothered me a few times a year, I could feel it coming and prepare myself and have it go on after a week or so.  Two years ago though it came and it stayed and it didn't go away.

I began seeing a counselor who has helped me more than they will ever know.  I've taken medication that has helped.  I've sought advice from friends, coworkers, and complete strangers some of which was helpful and some of which was not.  I hurt people that I care about and they hurt me in return.

I've been dealing with a bullying situation for quite some time now, where a person that I trusted threw everything that I had told them back at me.  That I hadn't progressed as much as they wanted with my depression.  That I needed fat clothes.  That I needed to rethink my career because I wasn't cut out to be a librarian anywhere.  That they wouldn't give me a reference.  And more.  Things that were more cutting and hurtful than anything else I've ever been told before.

And now I get to the part where I can count on one hand how many people know what I'm about to say.  Towards the end of April I came as close as I've ever come to breaking completely.  I was so distraught over some things that were going on that I composed an email that I was going to send out to a group of people.  Before I did so I shared it online, in a private place to ask what they thought.  And the people that responded thought it sounded like a suicide note.  It wasn't meant to be that, but...at the same time it was.  I wasn't looking to cause harm to myself or anything like that, but I didn't want to be around anymore.  I wanted to just vanish.  And be gone.  A handful of folks reached out to me and one in particular kept messaging me until I called my counselor, went to see them, and then got back.  And then kept touch with me over the next few weeks to see how I was and to help me out.  I took time off to get my head back in place as much as I could and made plans to how to improve my situation.

And we come to the present.  I'm feeling better, but still struggling.  Not what I was a few weeks ago, but there are still days that are rough and hard.  But there have been people that have continued to stand by me and help me when I need it.  To remind me that I am not alone.  So that in turn I can help remind others that they are not alone.

The world keeps spinning and I know that there are people that will sit with me and say nothing other than they are there.  And that I am not alone.

Where to go from here?

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“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi

I've heard that quote so many times it seems like one day it's just going to appear as a tattoo on my body.  It's a great quote isn't it though?  You want things to change in the world? Go out and show them how.  And when I started thinking about this blog post, and how I wanted to provide an update to my last post about my diagnosis with Asperger's, that quote popped into my head.  I could even hear different friends, coworkers, random strangers say it to me.  And I realized something about the quote...it's a double edged sword in it's meaning.  It tells us to go out and change the world, by leading by example.  And that's both a good and a bad thing.  Because think about the people that you know and encounter, if you suddenly start living you life differently, exemplifying what you want them to see, to be accepting of you as you are...how are they to react?  Some of them will stand by you and hold you up; some will be there for you, but express worry about how others will view you; some will ignore you; and some will tear you to pieces for being different.

And so...I started thinking, what do I want the world to see about me.  How do I want them to perceive me?  And I Googled the quote, to make sure I had it right, and I discovered...I don't.  Gandhi didn't say those words, at least not like that.  What he said was:

“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. ... We need not wait to see what others do.”  (via: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/30/opinion/falser-words-were-never-spoken.html)

So...that's a bit different isn't it?  At least how I read it.  It isn't that the world changes around what we do, it's that how we perceive the world changes towards us.  The world may still treat us the same way, but if we change ourselves, if we adjust how we approach the world, then our feelings towards it will change.  And that last little part..."We need not wait to see what others do."  That's what struck me the most.  Stop waiting for others to put themselves out there to guide us and tell us what to do, and instead take the first step.

So, in my last post, I took the first step to a new path in this journey and I laid out that I was diagnosed as being on the Asperger's spectrum last December and what it's like for me.  Since that post I've gotten advice from a lot of different people that was all across the board.  And most of the people were genuinely trying to help me out, that were worried about me and my future, and just about me in general.  All good things, but I struggled with aspects of what they were telling me, and that's why I started thinking about the quote.  Because some of them told me to be the change that I want to see.  And once I saw the original quote, everything in this post clicked.

I am changing how I see the world.  I am changing how I approach it.  They may be small changes.  They may be big changes.  But they are the changes that I choose.  And the first of those changes is.  I am me.   I am most comfortable, most happy, most at ease when I am not trying to fit into a traditional mold or follow the path that others have taken.  I hear the drummer and I march to my own beat, with all of my weird ticks, tendencies, and strange habits that I've developed over the years.  The biggest change to make, is that I am job hunting again.

Don't get me wrong, my library is great, but it is not where I fit and if I'm honest with myself, I've known that for a while.  I am looking for a library that wants a librarian that thinks outside the box, that is slightly eccentric, that is honest, and that can work outside the traditional mold.  I am that librarian, regardless of the position, I am creative, I am passionate, and I am innovative.  I play well with others, I work independently, and I forge new paths.  If you hire me, if you let me be me, then I promise to make that position awesome and to spread it to the rest of the library.  If you want a librarian like this, then drop me a line.

I am taking a stand.  I am forging a path that is mine and I am trusting my instincts.  Also, just because this is on my play list, I leave you with this video, Sara Bareilles--Brave:

 

Where I want to go

I've been reflecting on where I want to take my library career in the future and at the same time looking at what I've done in the past.  So these are my musings/thoughts/ramblings/something about where I've been and where I'd like to go (or at least where I'm thinking of going.)

My career in libraries began back in undergraduate at Dacus Library, Winthrop University.  I was a student assistant with something like 6 hours a week (half of which in the beginning I spent cleaning out toner bottles) my freshman year and by the time I graduated 4ish years later I was the weekend supervisor working 20 hours a week.  I should have known then that the library world wouldn't let me go, but I was foolish and looked elsewhere for a MA in Art History.  Even while working on that one of the Art History professor's suggested I get the MLIS...but did I listen?  Nope...at least not at the time.  After I abandoned the MA in Art History I decided to get a job a job back in the library world, this time as a staff person.

So I headed to Johns Hopkins University as the Weekend/Evening Support Services person...which basically meant if it was related to the stacks, building, copiers, or problem patrons I got to deal with it.  And I loved the variety of the job!  I got to do so many different things from dealing with building issues, to training students, to dealing with malfunctioning copiers and everything in between.  I was never bored...but I hated the fact that I couldn't actually make any changes.  I didn't have that piece of paper that said MLIS on it.  So...after almost 2 years at Hopkins I headed to University of South Carolina to get my MLIS through their distance education program. 

I worked on my MLIS at USC and worked a couple of PT jobs, including one as a reference assistant at USC Upstate.  And here one of the reference librarians suggested that I focus on technology, since it was something that I seemed to enjoy so much and I was always trying out new things online.  Did I listen?  Nope...not really (notice a reoccurring pattern here?)  I finished my MLIS in a year so I could have the shiny piece of paper and I didn't really consider what it was that I wanted to do other than be a librarian and the only thing I was sure of is that I didn't want to work in cataloging.  With that grand plan in mind I secured a job working at Tarver Library, Mercer University.

I've blogged before about my job at Tarver.  I've been Circulation/Interlibrary Loan Librarian, Learning Commons/Emerging Technologies/Interlibrary Loan Librarian, and my current job title Emerging Technologies & Services/Interlibrary Loan Librarian.  And I like this last iteration of my job title the most.  I have the most chance to play and try new things...most of the time at least.  And of course there are projects that I have to get done and sometimes they end up taking more time and energy than I would like, but that's part of work right? 

But...over the last few years I'm starting to think the librarian at USC Upstate had the right idea.  My passion is technology.  Not just the systems aspect of it (which I've gotten to do a bit of) and coding, but how patrons use it.  How do they use the computers we have, where do they sit to use their laptops, what can we do to improve all of this?  And this is where I want to take my career.  I love some of the flexibility that I have at my current job, but I don't get to play with technology every day (and yes my job title is Emerging Technologies)...I want to take my career more towards the systems side of things or a job where I can have more of an impact with how patrons use the technology we have (and I have some of this at my current position, just not as much as I'd like.)

And even though occasionally a job pops up that I never considered before, like working at the Smithsonian or something that has nothing to do with technology, my passion really is that.  I've been spending more time trying to improve my technology skills by:

• doing some basic HTML/CSS coding just to keep my skills up
• Improving my PHP/MySQL 
• Improving my Javascript/jQuery 
• Picking up new languages, like python and django
• Figuring out how to install and use so many of the different free programs out there
• Thinking of new ideas...
• I'm thinking about getting a master's in computer science (or IT)...once I find fuding

 and I'm keeping my eyes open for other opportunities.  And that's where I am at the moment.

Still alive and kicking....

So it's been about 4 months since I last posted and I honestly didn't mean for it to be that long, which of course means that I have a backlog of posts to do.

So what have I been up to these past 4 months?  Well...I've been doing a bit to stay busy:

• Attended and presented at Computers in Libraries
• Attended and presented at American Library Association (ALA)
• Promoted to Assistant Professor at MPOW (no we don't have tenure as librarians, but we do go through a promotion process of sorts and have academic ranks)
• A change in job title, yes again...we dropped the "Learning Commons" from my title and I'm now just "Emerging Technologies & Services/Interlibrary Loan Librarian"
• Been working on a mobile page for MPOW and am almost ready to launch it
• Launched a text messaging service for MPOW
• Using Google Forms for a whole bunch of stuff 
• Put together a Georgia Interlibrary Loan Unconference.

And...I'm sure there were other things that will come to me later, but those are the major ones I think.  I'll be putting together posts about most of them, so hope you stick around and enjoy.

New job...from July 2009

So as I mentioned a couple of posts back in July 2009 I started a new position at MPOW as Learning Commons/Emerging Technologies/Interlibrary Loan Librarian plus my continued duties as reference/instruction/liaison/tech type person. This new position came as a result of a series of events of people leaving and people requesting changes (including myself) and other events going on.

I can't (and won't) post a lot of the reasons why the change needed to happen, but I was glad for it. I've been in public services every where I've worked and in Access Services in all of my library jobs. During my career I'd come to be enthralled with new areas of the library and was ready for a change and a chance to show what I could do in these other areas. And I'm grateful that MPOW has allowed me to pursue some of these opportunities that I'd been...encouraging them to explore for the last few years. Now I get to take the lead on projects and its actually part of my job which makes it easier to sell.

And yes it is a lot to my name and their are days where I want to pull my hair out and yell "I can't do it all!!!" But its not out of frustration, its more out of the sheer number of ideas that enter my head and get jotted down somewhere or told to colleagues in an effort to help make their lives easier or complete projects that they've been talking about for a while. I have so many ideas that I want to explore, because I want to help transform MPOW into the next century.

And while I'm playing catchup with Emerging Technologies compared to other places, I'm watching for that next tool that will take us beyond. And while we won't have the traditional Learning Commons, I want to redefine how some people view it. I want to find what will make it work for MPOW, my patrons and not everyone elses. I want to challenge myself to not think of things in their traditional means in any area. With ILL I want to look at what can be done to make it easier for patrons to get materials and make it easier on staff not having to deal with outdated and useless technology.

I plan on blogging about some of what I'm looking at and doing during this year. So stay tuned!