Where to go from here?

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“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Gandhi

I've heard that quote so many times it seems like one day it's just going to appear as a tattoo on my body.  It's a great quote isn't it though?  You want things to change in the world? Go out and show them how.  And when I started thinking about this blog post, and how I wanted to provide an update to my last post about my diagnosis with Asperger's, that quote popped into my head.  I could even hear different friends, coworkers, random strangers say it to me.  And I realized something about the quote...it's a double edged sword in it's meaning.  It tells us to go out and change the world, by leading by example.  And that's both a good and a bad thing.  Because think about the people that you know and encounter, if you suddenly start living you life differently, exemplifying what you want them to see, to be accepting of you as you are...how are they to react?  Some of them will stand by you and hold you up; some will be there for you, but express worry about how others will view you; some will ignore you; and some will tear you to pieces for being different.

And so...I started thinking, what do I want the world to see about me.  How do I want them to perceive me?  And I Googled the quote, to make sure I had it right, and I discovered...I don't.  Gandhi didn't say those words, at least not like that.  What he said was:

“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. ... We need not wait to see what others do.”  (via: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/30/opinion/falser-words-were-never-spoken.html)

So...that's a bit different isn't it?  At least how I read it.  It isn't that the world changes around what we do, it's that how we perceive the world changes towards us.  The world may still treat us the same way, but if we change ourselves, if we adjust how we approach the world, then our feelings towards it will change.  And that last little part..."We need not wait to see what others do."  That's what struck me the most.  Stop waiting for others to put themselves out there to guide us and tell us what to do, and instead take the first step.

So, in my last post, I took the first step to a new path in this journey and I laid out that I was diagnosed as being on the Asperger's spectrum last December and what it's like for me.  Since that post I've gotten advice from a lot of different people that was all across the board.  And most of the people were genuinely trying to help me out, that were worried about me and my future, and just about me in general.  All good things, but I struggled with aspects of what they were telling me, and that's why I started thinking about the quote.  Because some of them told me to be the change that I want to see.  And once I saw the original quote, everything in this post clicked.

I am changing how I see the world.  I am changing how I approach it.  They may be small changes.  They may be big changes.  But they are the changes that I choose.  And the first of those changes is.  I am me.   I am most comfortable, most happy, most at ease when I am not trying to fit into a traditional mold or follow the path that others have taken.  I hear the drummer and I march to my own beat, with all of my weird ticks, tendencies, and strange habits that I've developed over the years.  The biggest change to make, is that I am job hunting again.

Don't get me wrong, my library is great, but it is not where I fit and if I'm honest with myself, I've known that for a while.  I am looking for a library that wants a librarian that thinks outside the box, that is slightly eccentric, that is honest, and that can work outside the traditional mold.  I am that librarian, regardless of the position, I am creative, I am passionate, and I am innovative.  I play well with others, I work independently, and I forge new paths.  If you hire me, if you let me be me, then I promise to make that position awesome and to spread it to the rest of the library.  If you want a librarian like this, then drop me a line.

I am taking a stand.  I am forging a path that is mine and I am trusting my instincts.  Also, just because this is on my play list, I leave you with this video, Sara Bareilles--Brave:

 

I am...

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8469133401/sizes/c/in/photostream/

So we all have stories to tell.  Stories that define us, that make up who we are, that describe us...and everything else in between.  I've written randomly in the past about part of my story, most recently talking about my battle with depression/anxiety and my thoughts on bullying, and random other bits and pieces.  With my 2013 end of the year post I mentioned that I had recently had another diagnosis that I wasn't ready to discuss then.  Now though...I'm ready to share the information widely (had to wait on a few other things first.)  It's another part of my story.

Although I've never written about it before I was diagnosed early on in my life with ADD, and of course I've blogged about part of my battle with depression and anxiety.  And if you've met me in real life you'd be apt to describe me as the quite, shy, quirky, but mostly nice dude that could probably speak up a bit more cause he's pretty smart.  That's the way I've been described all my life.  But...I never felt like it described me right.  Growing up I knew that I thought differently than everyone else.  I could never describe it or put it in words, but I knew I didn't think like everyone else around me. So I just went with it.  I did things to emphasize that I was different, that I was me, and I didn't care what anyone else though. And it worked for the most part. Sure I had to conform to rules for some jobs, but overall I could just be me and I still had the things that I wanted. I'd get the job done my way and no one was bothered by my quirks. I had friends that hung out with me and would occasionally make allowances for my weirdness.  That all changed a good bit when I started my first professional job.  It wasn't bad though and I could make it. And then in the summer of 2012 the depression/anxiety hit like a ton of bricks and it don't go away.  I could almost get back to an even keel, but there were situations that I kept encountering that just made me feel lost and confused no matter what I tried.  And a lot of the advice I got from so many different people, some meaning well and others not so much, just didn't click or fit for me and just added to everything else that I was feeling. That something was wrong with me, because I couldn't match what they did.

Then last spring I had the chance to visit a friend and they were talking to me about one of their kids, and something clicked.  I kept thinking the way they were describing their child...they were describing me.  Having to watch people to see how to fit into groups, what they did to get invited into conversations, a lot of things just...matched.  And in December I was diagnosed as being on the Asperger's spectrum.  And a lightbulb went off in my head.  Lots of things that hadn't made sense growing up, things that couldn't be described by just being shy or ADD...the pieces finally fit.  Why I couldn't figure out how to talk to people, why I do poorly in some social settings, why I say things that violate "societal norms," all of it finally made sense.  When I told some people their response was "I would never have pegged you for being on that spectrum" and others were "Yeah I started to think that a couple of years ago" (thanks I think?)

If you read the Wikipedia link above (yes wikipedia provides a good overview) you can see that Asperger's is a broad ranging spectrum that is part of a larger scale of Autism Spectrum Disorders, which is why some people were surprised when I told them that I'm on it.  For me, I fall somewhere in the middle of the Asperger's spectrum.  Some of the traits/characteristics that apply to me:

• I'm not the best at social interactions.  95% of the time I have no idea how to start a conversation with someone new. My brain just can't figure it out so as a coping mechanism I'll try to talk about something that I like, with varying degrees of success.  Once I get to know someone and learn what they like I can start conversations, but....they're going to be on the topics that I know that person likes, which can get old after a while.  If someone else starts the conversation though, I'm generally OK.
• As part of this I also tend to use repetitive phrases, a coping mechanism I developed to be able to fit into conversations. Like saying "I'm tired" a lot if I'm responding to how I'm doing.
• Another part of this...I don't always say or ask the right thing in social interactions.  Nothing malicious, just questions that one shouldn't ask, like asking if someone is pregnant because they just announced their engagement and were out sick for a few days.  Can't explain why, but that's just where my brain goes.
• I don't do well in crowded spaces. If I'm with someone I can control it a bit, but being on a plane or movie theater or conference where someone sits right next to me is...uncomfortable 
• I don't do well with nonverbal communication or nonvoiced expectations.  This crops up on projects and what not where other people get the sign that things should be done a certain way, just because...I miss it.  Or mistake it for something else.  As for the nonvoiced expectations, I have to ask questions or clarifications for things that may be obvious to others.

This post from CNN.com, written by a father of a child with Asperger's and someone that talks about hiring people with Asperger's, resonated with me on so many levels and just fits...me.

So needless to say all of this, has impacted my life, both personal and professional.  And it's created some unexpected challenges in a part of my life that I've been working through lately, which has made this the worst start to a year I've ever had.  And...yeah.  And yes this is only part of the story. I may blog more about it later, I don't know. I'm still figuring out where I fit into all of this, but things are getting a bit easier now that I know a name for it.

But these things aren't all of me. They're a part of me.  The shape how I view and process and interact with the world around me.  They are a part of me, but not all of it.  I am also these things:

• librarian
• artist
• Blogger
• Book reviewer
• Lego builder
• designer
• problem solver
• trouble shooter
• excellent listener 
• fan of graphic novels
• doer 
• role maker

And a lot of other things that I can't list or name or don't even want to start naming.  

I'm still figuring out some of what that means. And if you don't like it...frankly that's your loss.  I know I've got good ideas, that I'm a good person, and that I mean well.  And I may say stupid things, I may not act or react like you do or how you want me to, but that's ok because I am me.  Meanwhile, I'm going to remember this line from Batman Begins where Alfred Peenyworth says to Bruce Wayne: "Why do we fall sir? So we might learn to pick ourselves up." Not that I've fallen...but I am going to pick myself up again and go on with life.

Thoughts on bullying...

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This is probably not going to be the prettiest and best worded blog post I've ever written, but...I have words, I have thoughts and I'm putting them out there.

Earlier today I tweeted:

to unnamed people: bullying takes many forms. if it makes someone uncomfortable don't do it. this isn't overly pc, its being decent person
— Andrew Shuping (@ashuping) December 30, 2013

Now this is something that I've been pondering on for quite some time (and I'll talk about why), but I finally said something.

I was prompted to say something today, because many librarian friends on twitter were upset about a recent discussion on ALA's Statement of Appropriate Conduct at Conferences.  And my friends were rightly upset.  I don't want to link to the original blog post because frankly it doesn't need traffic, but it boils down to people saying "well I've never been harassed/bullied/sexually assaulted/etc at conferences and my friends haven't said anything to me about it therefore it doesn't exist! and all of these people that say it does, well I think they're just misunderstanding what was said" which frankly is some of the most disgusting bullshit I've ever encountered in my life.  You've never had this stuff happen to you?  Excellent! You're in a minority to be honest.  You don't want others to have a policy that says what is appropriate conduct at a conference?  Go take a long walk off a short pier.  Just because you haven't been harassed doesn't mean others haven't.  As to why others haven't talked to you about it, when you say crap like a policy doesn't need to exist, why would anyone want to confide in you?  You can see some excellent conversations about why these codes exists for ALA here from Librarian Kate and Matthew Ciszik, both of whom you should follow.  You can also find a wider range discussion on Lisa Rabey's site (including conversations on why ALA needed a code) and Andromeda Yelton's site.

ALA is not the only organization to recently define or redefine appropriate conduct at conferences.  It's had to happen for some of the larger comic conventions, NYC for example, in the publishing community, god knows how many times its happened in the comic industry, and way to many times to mention for people in everyday life.  Is it sad that we live in the 21st century and we're still having to tell people how to be behave?  Hell yes!  But if having a code or a policy is what has to be done to get people to start talking about it, to get it stop, to get things to change then by all means lets do it.  This is not, as some people have said, a chance to be the thought police, or to have moles or spies, or be the fracking NSA.  This is giving people something to stand on and what to do when it happens to them.  Because it does happen, whether you see it or not, it happens.  And for those of you that think a policy is a bad thing, then I hope you'll never experience harassment, bullying, being sexually assaulted, or something else that makes you feel uncomfortable and unwelcome.

Now I said I'd talk about why I've been pondering bullying and here's why:  I'm involved in a situation where I feel bullied.  I walk away from these interactions feeling worthless and helpless and that no one anywhere likes me.  Now is some of this the depression talking?  Yes.  But it is also the people involved?  Yes it is.  Have I confronted these people yet?  No...but I'm working on it.  I'm not sure they would ever conceive of what they're doing as bullying, but the way they phrase things, the way look at me, the tone they talk to me with...for me it's bullying.  Sexual harassment, assault, those are often easy to define, but bullying?  Bullying takes many different shapes and sizes.  It's can be outright and overt, or it can be subtle and silent.  It can be physical, it can be words, it can be purely mental.  It doesn't matter...it's bullying.  Can it be taken to extremes?  Sure, but so can anything.  But if people feel uncomfortable when you do something, isn't that perhaps a sign you should stop?

My one last comment (and this could be it's own separate post):  if someone is doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable (and isn't outright harassment) say something to them.  Let them know that they're saying things that make others uncomfortable.  Give them a chance to apologize.  Honestly, they may not realize that its something that makes people feel uncomfortable.  You'll be able to tell pretty quickly if they honestly weren't trying to make people uncomfortable and they'll be grateful that someone let them know.  And I say this from experience, because I don't always know that I'm saying something that makes someone feel uncomfortable due to how my brain works.

This past year

Bad librarian here. I have no idea where I got this from (I
think it was from a book) but it was to good not to use.

It's that time of year again where everyone looks back on the past year and talks about what is to come in the upcoming year.  I of course have decided to follow that pattern, not simply to follow the herd, but because of other reasons.

This past year was not a normal year for me.  2013 was one of the most difficult years I've had in oh so many ways. The biggest struggle of course was dealing with depression and anxiety and more recently another diagnosis that was like lightbulb going off in my head.  I'm not ready to discuss that diagnosis yet (everything is fine, so no worries.)  The depression and anxiety seemed to get the better of me a lot this year, causing me to doubt myself, causing me to doubt who I am and what I'm capable of, impacting work, and more importantly impacting friendships that I have both in real life and online.  If I were to have been writing this a few weeks ago I probably would have talked more about what I left undone, but you know what?  Fuck it.  I'm tired of talking about that.  Instead here's what did go right (in no particular order at all, just whenever I thought of it):

• I was able to attend TCAF and Heroescon with my dad, which was awesome.  We both got to geek out over graphic novels and comics and I just love being able to share that with him.  Plus I got to meet so many great people, both fans, and writers and artists that loved meeting and talking with people.  
• Other events this year I got to go to: SPX, Decatur Book Festival, and a Bill Bryson book signing.  All of which were fun, fantastic, and so many great people and authors and artists.
• Beginning in January I'll be writing for No Flying, No Tights, one of the best librarian/graphic novel blogs around and I'm so excited to be writing for them.
• I wrote a guest post for "Letters to a young librarian" on being an ILL Librarian that was picked up by ALA Direct!  First time (I think) for that's ever happened.
• I presented at my state library conference, COMO, on graphic novels and formed a partnership with two other great folks, which will lead to some great future endeavors.
• I've got a presentation accepted for Computers in Libraries 2014.
• Publishers continue to send me review copies of books, which is completely awesome because how can I not like free books to read?
• I started a graphic novel group at MPOW and while it wasn't well attended it was fun to plan and professors kept introducing me to students as "this is the guy you need to thank for starting the graphic novel collection.  Tell him what else to order"
• I completed LibraryJuice's Certificate of User Experience course.  Which was awesome and I just realized I need to write a blog post about it.
• I was accepted into the Certificate of Advanced Data Studies at Syracuse's iSchool to begin in January.  I'm really looking forward to getting my brain hammered in new directions.
• I submitted my first ever article to a library publication.  Still waiting to hear if it will be accepted, but keeping my fingers crossed.
• I served as the outside reviewer for two faculty hirings in one of my liaison areas, which was interesting to see how things worked in other areas.
• Finally did a sleep study and was diagnosed with mild sleep apnea.  
• Served on Jury Duty for the first time ever.
• Went horseback riding a couple of time.
• Attended a Julia Nunes living room show, which was awesome!
• Attended the wedding of one of my best friends from college and being able to see her walk down the aisle.
• Attended the wedding party of two online friends and got to meet them in person for the first time, as well as a few other folks from online.

More importantly though, I found just how many people were willing to stand by me throughout the year, both in real life and online.  Friends that encouraged me when I was down, that kicked my brain when it was needed, and told me the truth when I needed it even more.  I'm not even going to attempt to list them, mostly because I'd fail at it and would invariably forget someone and tick someone off...

But to those of you on FriendFeed, on Twitter, on Facebook, or heaven help us all, in real life thank you for the comfort, the joy, the agony, the tears, the encouragement, and everything else that you've given to me this past year.  I would not be where I am now without you.  For those that have stood by me more than others if I haven't already gotten on my knees and thanked you, please know that I'm doing so now.  You are awesome and I'm glad to have you in my life.

For the upcoming year my plans are:

• Work on the advanced Data certificate program 
• Present at CIL
• Submit some presentations to ACRL
• Work on a book proposal
• Keep learning
• Do awesome

And for my own sanity sake say "fuck it" more often and follow my heart and gut, even if it means going against the advice of friends.  I am going to follow my own path more often, even if it isn't the way most people would go.  And I'm going to do what makes me happy, even if if that's sitting in my apartment, with my cats sitting on me, and reading a good book.

So farewell 2013, I look forward to the challenges you bring 2014.