23 July 2016

No more silence

I hate discussing politics. Really. If you're a good friend and I know where you stand on things, I don't mind discussions about things. But in general? I don't like the arguments I know that it will cause. I don't like the hate that gets hurled back and forth on some things. I don't like the pain & the hurt it causes. So I stay silent. But the cost for that has become greater than I can bear sometimes.

In recent years I outed myself as battling depression/anxiety and being on the Autism Spectrum because these things matter to me. But I've stayed silent about a lot else, because I told myself that I couldn't bear the cost. Cost of losing friends, cost of losing opportunities...the cost of just standing. But those were all things that I put aside when I outed myself for other things. Because they mattered.

In reality, I'm scared. Scared of losing things that honestly...maybe I don't need.

So the first thing I share. I wrote last year that I was genderqueer. Which is true, but not the whole truth. I read this piece recently about an author sharing that she's a transwoman in the closet. And I shared on Facebook that I relate to his piece a lot. Actually I said:
not that my parents were that way, but the wishes. the desires. yep that's me. & i've had the same types of interactions from women that the author does. that i couldn't understand something because I'm "male" & it's made me feel afraid to say anything somedays. i've been disowned because of what my outer appearance appears to be vs how i feel. & this is probably as close as I'll ever get to talking about it. bc I'm afraid. bc i fear the loss that may come. bc i fear the backlash. i get why things are the way they are but it doesn't change anything if we can't listen & understand each other. there is still good in this world. but it will be lost if we don't listen to each other. & i know its hard but its worth. it has to be.
So I was trying to say what I really feel like, but chickened out. But I can't do that anymore. Hell, its part of a comic I'm finishing and I'm still almost to scared to put it in there. But I can't. I won't. Not anymore.

I'm trans. I think I've wanted to be a girl since I was 8 years old. I've never felt comfortable in my body or how it looks or how it feels. I just..I don't. It sucks that there's no magic wand or magic pill that will change it. I don't know if I'll ever go through the transition process, because honestly genetics was not kind to me and my body will never match my head. But par for the course. I am who I am. And I've wanted to be a girl for a long time.

I shared this with a few people a couple of years ago and then stopped talking about it. In part fear. But also in part, because I had a huge falling out with the first person I shared this with. Not over this, well not directly, but other things, like some of what I shared above. And it hurt. A lot. I lost not only their friendship and a lot more in the process because of how I handled the loss, but a lot of other people as well. I still miss them. But I miss not being open and honest. And I'm tired of being scared.

To family & friends, yeah this is a shitty way to spread the news isn't it? And I'm sorry. But I...I don't know a better way. I've been silent and scared for so long, because I was afraid of losing you. I mean, seriously I'm tearing up writing this because I don't want to lose y'all. And trying to have the conversations for me in person or on the phone or even in email would have been so much worse and I would have chickened out. But...this is the truth of who I am. And I can't keep hiding it.

If you were someone that I shared this with a while ago, I'm sorry being silent on the truth, but thank you for not deserting me.

If you're one I lost because of the fallout, I'm sorry and I wish things could have been different.

But I'm done apologizing now. This is me. Hi.

2 comments:

Nina X said...

Hey. Er... You don't know me and I actually can't remember how/why I started following your blog.

I just wanted to welcome you to the Life. I do recognize that in your post you never explicitly identify as a 'trans girl' and/or 'trans woman' so I'm going to go with trans feminine for now? The point being: you're trans and you want to be a girl. This is the Life I'm welcoming you to.

I am a trans Filipina (for context). I'm also autistic, so we have a few things in common.

I'm not sure to what extent you're aware of or knowledgeable in trans politics/discourse and I'm not sure whether anyone in your life will tell you this... so I'm going to, in the hopes that you take this in the warm way I intend it.

First... Your transness/girlhood/womanhood/however you end up defining it is valid and good. And this is unrelated to whether or not you do anything to 'transition' (medically, physically, or socially). Transitioning is not required to make you a 'real' girl. Your girlhood is yours to claim and its real. You're real.

One thing that can be tough about trying to interact/get into the trans community is that there can be a great deal of identity policing. People who insist that unless you fill some arbitrary criteria you're not 'really' trans. Do your best not to let this influence how you feel about yourself. This sort of thing is utter bullshit. There is no criterion for being a 'real' girl or really trans beyond your existence as either or both.

As you say in your post: you are who you are. I hope you never lose this sense of self.

Don't feel bad or ashamed if you don't think you're emotionally capable of transitioning (yet or ever). This isn't the easiest path to walk and you do deserve safety and care. And there is nothing wrong with wanting to maintain some level of feeling safe.

Last, 'transition' isn't a set process that is the same for everyone. This is a 'choose your own adventure' type of thing. Beyond the social and economic barriers, you are the only person who gets to decide what your brain and body need to feel 'right'. This is partially why I say above that transitioning is not a pre-condition for you being a real girl.

I wish you all the best. And I really hope that going forward from this huge step you've just taken, that you'll be able to find peace and safety and support.

(Sidenote: There are actually quite a few of us autistic trans girls, by the way. Indeed, there are actual journal articles out there noting the higher than average overlap between autism and transness (vs. the allistic population). So I hope you find some friends in the community that you can connect with and who'll be supportive and loving.)

calimae said...

***lots of hugs***